The Control Issue

This morning, I sat in the reading room, as I usually do, and just talked to God. There is so much going on - so much drama, so much pride,so much self seeking in our world. Heck, just thinking about all the texts and the twitter posts and the Facebook updates,,, it makes my head spin. I started to wonder how do we even teach this generation what it feels like to sit quietly in the presence of the Lord - just sitting there, still, listening, learning him, taking him in??? It seems such a frenzy today, and I'm talking about us Christians - I am not anti social media. I am totally for it and it is my link to my world and my friends! However, God is still sitting on the couch waiting for me. Did I really have to check my email and Facebook this morning before I checked in with Him? So I just said, "God I need you to talk to me instead of me talking at you this morning". And the thing he keeps saying is "REST". The implications of that word in my life are enormous. I am not a rester. I am a worrier, a tackler, a fixer, a worker, a busybody, a CONTROL FREAK. I am convinced if the phrase "Control Freak" were in the Thesaurus, they would have to actually create a whole separate edition for that one phrase. We don't even realize how much control has been a part of our life until we are out of control.

I want to tell my kids who to date, heck I want my kids to just DATE! I want to fix relationship drama that's going on around me, church drama, I want to convince our "friends" that there is nothing wrong with the tattoo my husband got. I want my granddaughter to know the safety of an intact Godly family. I want to make sure people know I know God and therefore have the many answers that they are seeking. I want to fix the ills of the machine we now call the church, I want to .....let's face it - I want to be God. I admit it - I do. Satan did, and that's the thing he enticed Eve with. And that seems to be the human condition now - at least it's my condition.

You won't die - you'll be like God, knowing both good and evil, he said. Sounded like a fine proposition to her. A pretty good sales pitch on the serpent's part. Who doesn't want to be like God??? Sign me up. And that's where it all started. She didn't know she was signing up to desire to be in control, to never be at rest, to know good and evil in a way she never imagined, to the point of seeing one of her children murder the other, to know what it is to hide from God, to know the agony of what it is to be one's own authority instead of submitting to a Sovreign who really knew you didn't need to know it all, and that was a burden he did not wish for you to bear.

This church change thing has opened a Pandora's box for me on how much control has ruled my life. Yes, the fruit of the Spirit is self-control, but I've been so busy controlling the world, that I don't have time to control self. The fruit of Teresa is attempt at others-control. It is hard to rest. It is hard not to be the teacher, it is hard not to "do, do, do for the kingdom". It's hard to let go of the "program" mentality of the church. It is part of my Christian DNA. I really didn't think it was, but I'm finding out it is embedded in me like a computer chip. It is hard to let people hear God for themselves. It is hard to let them be on their place on their journey, instead of coming to my place on the journey. It is hard for me to be still. I feel guilty. I felt guilty when I had 9 people from six different countries at my home and I didn't hold a tent revival and lead them all to the Lord, sending them back to their respective homes to set the world on fire for Christ because of my bold witness to them. I feel guilty when I make a decision that doesn't go like I thought it should. I feel guilty if I just sit and be still. I feel guilty if I let go of control. And I guess I feel a little scared too.

And that's part of the reason I'm questioning everything I've known about me in relation to the church. The church as an organization has controlled its people so long, we don't know how to rest. I'm sorry if that offends some of you, but let's get real. See I can finally speak my mind. I don't have to wear the mask of the teacher and the Bible college student that has the holy and right and sensible answers all the time. I'm taking off for the summer and I am literally dropping everything at the feet of Jesus. I'm gonna watch the garden grow, listen to the myriad of bird songs, watch the curious cows watching me, draw chalk pictures on the deck with my granddaughter, go to Florida with Sarah Beth and Olivia and Perry and forget everything. I'm going to celebrate my 10th anniversary to my wonderful hubby. I'm gonna laugh at all Shaelin's little self-coined phrases. I'm going to drive my little Beetle Bug with the top down and smile up at the sunshine, and maybe not even wear sunscreen or a hat! But to do all those things, I have to let go of the guilt of "being" instead of "doing". I think the only phrase I remember from the book "The Purpose Driven Life" is the one where he said "the glory of God is a human being - fully alive".

We as the body of Christ have not been fully alive. We have been fully controlled. We have been fully programmed. We have been fully burdened with expectations and comparisons and guilt and .... the list goes on. How many of you have ever felt guilty for missing church to just have a family day, for not being there every time the doors were opened, for not giving enough to the building fund, for questioning why you didn't want to show up for visitation and door-knocking, for not finding a local congregation to worship with during your vacation, for forgetting to study your Sunday School lesson, for not memorizing enough Bible verses, for not having your "quiet time" for a minimum of 15 minutes a day, for not verbally witnessing to every stranger your path crosses, for not having your pocket-sized Bible with you at all times, for questioning where your tithe money is going when you wipe your hands with fancy embossed cloths and a plasma TV at every corner of the campus instead of giving it straight to somebody who is in dire need of it, for wearing jeans to church, for letting a cuss word slip out of your mouth when you slammed the door on your toe...and for questioning God when you don't understand Him?? If you have spent any time in church or grown up in church, you know what I'm talking about. You may even be mad at me for even saying these things and think I am blaspheming and it is an abomination.

Before you burn me at the stake, listen to my "theory". It's where I'm sorta going with this thing- but this part of my journey is just starting so the disclaimer is this - I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! But just suppose -

just suppose that instead of the guilt of memorizing scripture by rote that you fell into such a deep relationship with its author that when you sat down to read his words to you, something gripped you and held you and that section of it took a root in your head and your heart and your spirit, and changed your life that day to where you shared it with people as a result of the living and active and alive thing that it really is...based on the starting point of relationship, not the ritual of scripture memorization. It literally jumped off the page at you because it was alive. I do know that every verse that I hold deeply in my heart has been one that has jumped right off the page and into my very being as I sat and struggled and cried and prayed to my Father and he showed me that day what I needed to see, that one little piece, and it became my own and I never forgot it. What if that's his idea of scripture memorization? Memorizing Him and letting it flow from there?

What if his idea of "evangelism" is not getting a list, knocking on doors, cold calling, taking classes on how to witness, reading books on the subject, marking up your Bible with the Roman Road, flitting in and out of people's lives to "save them", baptize them, chink a notch in your spiritual belt, and go to the next one. What if his only idea for evangelism was relationship? Lifestyle? Getting involved in people's lives and actually truly deeply genuinely loving them?

What if instead of huge businesses that produce "literature" and "curriculum" to dole out to the masses and the classes, what if what God had in mind was the Holy Spirit being your teacher? What if it really was okay to have a class that didn't finish the whole curriculum in time because somebody was suffering and they needed to be ministered to that day, prayed over, loved on? Or if God just wanted to use one phrase, one story, or one scripture verse and dwell on it, delve into it deeper and find treasure way down deep in it and get off the timeline? And what if that prayer for them took longer than you thought and you couldn't get out of your class in time to leave for the football game on TV?

What if when we were singing one day at church, we sensed the presence of God so strongly that we couldn't stop singing and couldn't stop worshipping him, and it was actually okay that we kept going and didn't follow the bulletin?

What if we quit looking at ourselves as the answer to the world? Like we have arrived and you, too, can arrive. What if we quit trying to "sell" Jesus. What if we looked at ourselves exactly the same as everybody else in the world, with the only difference being that you have experienced redemption, and they just haven't...yet? What if we admitted we don't have the answers, but we know somebody that does, and then shut up?

What if I quit praying manipulatively? If I pray hard enough, bold enough, long enough, specifically enough, pray enough scripture, do enough spiritual warfare, then I I I I can change things, or manipulate God into doing the things I am praying for? What if I just spend time thanking him for what I know of his character, what I know of his promises, what I know of his Sovreignty, what I know of his will for his children, and what I don't know of any of the above, and let Him be God for a while?

I don't know. I'm only asking. But when I look over my questions, it becomes blaringly obvious, to me at least, that everything we have known is not relationship. It is methods, rules, expectations, and bondage. I think we might be so far removed that we resemble nothing of what God had in mind for the world as a whole. What if the thing Jesus hated the most - Phariseeism - is the very thing that church actually has embraced? And it was so subtle and so well masqueraded that even the thought of that makes you bristle with anger at me for even mentioning it?

There is a generation of people the age of my children, including some of my children, who hate "church". Who question God. Who think it is a joke. And maybe, just maybe, it's time for us to agree with them, and apologize to them, and wipe the slate clean, and find out what it really is to be a Christ-follower.

The only thing I know for sure right now is that I have no clue! But my spirit knows something's wrong, and that's why I'm looking for answers. No, I'm not forsaking Christ, I'm not quitting church, I'm not hating on Christians. I'm just looking. And for now, I want to look straight at Jesus. I want to look at his character and God's character. And who he was. And what the words in red said because they were words from his beautiful mouth. Not what the latest twitter is, not what the latest hot selling book is, not whether traditional or contemporary is the answer, just Him. I have to clean the slate. There is so much noise, so many buzzwords, and it's all gotten so complicated. Something in my spirit is telling me it is related to control, and that it was never meant to be like this. And that is why I am searching. I am searching for freedom. And I believe I will find it. I may recount some of the things I said, I don't know. All I know is I am a seeker, and God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. And that for now, I just want to rest. God reminded me He's big enough, but he asked me "are you small enough"?

Remaining. Running or resting?

Today is one of those days. One of the days you've been asking God a million questions and he starts answering. And you find yourself sitting at your computer working instead of being able to take note of every little thing he is saying, wishing fate had played the "rich" card on you so you could just sit and write and take in every little thing he is saying - that, or be a monk or a nun with lots of thinking time on your hands...

So, I decided just to stop what I was doing. There is so much going on here in my mind that not to document it would be to let it go by and be forgotten. I am writing it here in my blog because my new Windows 7 does not yet have a word processing program. This is the only place I can write. So, if you find it random and rambling, that's fine, it should have been in my personal files and for my own journaling. But maybe you can use some of it - I don't know.

Maybe some of you are on the same journey as I am. A Christian for my whole adult life, growing up in church, being there every time the doors were opened, knowing what a good Christian should "look like" and "do", well schooled in the art of mask-wearing, and now 30-something years later, starting to ask questions and re-evaluating everything I ever knew and learned about what a Christian "should be" and "should look like", and what the church "should be". Seeing that a lot of this somehow just isn't working. And if it was from God, why isn't it working? And, if it's not working, was it even from God?

That one topic alone is a book needing to be written - actually they are being written and selling by the truckloads right now. But I tend to work my way through my own thoughts and God's words to me, before picking up a book to copy their thoughts and revelations. Everybody's in search of the quote that will set the whole Facebook world on its ear. As odd as it might sound, I have never ever in my life read a Beth Moore book or done a Beth Moore study. Or any of those other "women's Bible studies" from great women of the faith in the Southern Baptist Church. I keep meaning to, but I keep getting caught up in what God is telling me himself. And oddly enough, sometimes it's stuff he's told those ladies too, and it's already in a book somewhere, but since I haven't read the books, I don't know that.

Recently, my husband and I heard God telling us and releasing us to go to a different church. It's really the first time I've heard that and it is an odd feeling, one that I'm not quite sure what to do with. As a good little Southern Baptist girl growing up in the Bible belt, I've experienced all the "ways" that "God has told me" to go to a new church. Ways like church splits, too many deacons in control, me wanting control, not liking the preacher, thinking the preacher doesn't like me, wanting to be a little more entertained with better music and speaking, not being "fed" enough. We all have used those phrases and more, and somehow managed to link them to God's will for our lives. Let's face it, we just didn't want to work through the conflict and do the hard things, and we couldn't stand the thought of being there another minute, so it was better (easier) to run away somewhere else and get caught up in their misery (or add to it). Or maybe we were in a church he never called us to be in, in the first place! Heck, even the preachers themselves are in this predicament! The bad thing about not hearing God for yourself from the get-go is that when you are years and miles down the road, boy it is a lot more difficult to start hearing then and doing all the over-correcting you have to do to undo all the false beliefs you've become entrenched in have been replaced by truth.

So that's where I find myself. Quite a predicament! I am called to a baby church plant that espouses the very things I am very uncomfortable with - community, relationship, honesty, giving up control and being real and transparent, and doing in connection with being. And I am more excited about it than I have ever been about a church in my life and at the same time a little concerned because I know there are a lot of changes already taking place that God wants to work through in my life. Not comfortable, but still exciting, because I know this is right and it's good and it's not something I am running away from.

My granddaddy was a preacher, my uncle, and others in my family. I think I was birthed on the back pew in time for my mother to go play the offertory song. I can still taste the iron in the water from the well at that old church I grew up in, feel the chill and smell the stuffiness in the building, when I went in early to unlock the doors and turn the heat or air on with my granddaddy. And I can just as vividly remember the first lie I told in church and how I was sure God was going to strike me dead then and there.

It was a Sunday night "training union" class, and I was about 11 or 12 years old I guess. This particular class was called Bible Learners and the whole purpose of the class was to read the Bible, a noble pursuit don't you think? We went on the honor system, telling each week how many chapters we had read. Well, like any 11 or 12 year old, saved or not, reading the Bible wasn't at the top of my list - especially since good old King James was the only translation at the time. I had good intentions and a lot of guilt and condemnation to go on top of the good intentions, but seems like I never quite made it to the part of the day where I sat and read the begats and begots and thees and thous. However, one particular Sunday night, the teacher was going around the room, asking how many chapters we had read and something clicked in me at that moment in time. I knew I was the preacher's granddaughter, I knew I was expected to be a good girl, I knew it was not acceptable to not read the Bible, so I had a choice to make. And I lied! I told the teacher that night that I read some unthinkable amount of chapters that week (something like 20 or so). The teacher's face beamed and lit up and she gushed over me as she complimented me and compared me in front of the class of young heathens that had not done as well as myself that week. I had that taste of what it felt like to have arrived and I was holy,and by far holier than everybody else in the room. Mission accomplished. Masquerade successful. And a few short weeks later, I stood in front of the church while that same teacher gushed about my dedication to reading God's word and pinned on me the coveted green and gold Bible Learners pin, signified by a gold B and an L intertwined, , but all I could see was the L - L for Liar! And it is then and there that I began to learn the fine art of Christian improv. Because, after all, what is most important in this Christian life I was learning about was appearances, convincing the others that you had no problems, that you were completely victorious in all areas of life, that you never had problems or issues or hang-ups or even hurts, and God help if you ever questioned anything. There would be a healthy ladle full of heaping guilt and questioning your salvation poured upon your curious and pondering little head.

And oh the stories I have to tell - deacons curled up in fetal positions with their ears plugged while my grandfather preached, ugly phone calls to his house, secret meetings, visiting churches on Easter where you were run out with a cane by some old lady who claimed you were sitting in her pew. Oh don't even get me started on the church.

I'm going to stop for today, but let me end it by saying this. Many of us and our children are quite jaded and cynical because of the things we've experienced in church. But I have to remember this before I go any further. Those people, many of them, at least, were actual "blood-bought, Bible-believing" Christians, just like we cynical and jaded folks are. Trouble is, they were taught lies too. I truly believe these people loved God and wanted to be holy and good people. They were just handed it down by the previous generation, and the time has finally come in our society to get real and question the way we've always done it. So, before we go to the next day jaded and judging, just try to believe the best about those people that have hurt you in your past church experience. Because, for me, what it's all about now is wiping the slate clean, unlearning everything I knew, and relearning it accurately and truthfully. And for that - I'm excited. Just this one week has been a tremendous social experiment in Christian expectations, as I will allude to one day later, and probably offend you with at the same time, haha.

The older I get, the less I know and the more flaws I see in me, and that is why I am on this journey, this journey for the truth and nothing but the truth - So help me, God!