The Control Issue

This morning, I sat in the reading room, as I usually do, and just talked to God. There is so much going on - so much drama, so much pride,so much self seeking in our world. Heck, just thinking about all the texts and the twitter posts and the Facebook updates,,, it makes my head spin. I started to wonder how do we even teach this generation what it feels like to sit quietly in the presence of the Lord - just sitting there, still, listening, learning him, taking him in??? It seems such a frenzy today, and I'm talking about us Christians - I am not anti social media. I am totally for it and it is my link to my world and my friends! However, God is still sitting on the couch waiting for me. Did I really have to check my email and Facebook this morning before I checked in with Him? So I just said, "God I need you to talk to me instead of me talking at you this morning". And the thing he keeps saying is "REST". The implications of that word in my life are enormous. I am not a rester. I am a worrier, a tackler, a fixer, a worker, a busybody, a CONTROL FREAK. I am convinced if the phrase "Control Freak" were in the Thesaurus, they would have to actually create a whole separate edition for that one phrase. We don't even realize how much control has been a part of our life until we are out of control.

I want to tell my kids who to date, heck I want my kids to just DATE! I want to fix relationship drama that's going on around me, church drama, I want to convince our "friends" that there is nothing wrong with the tattoo my husband got. I want my granddaughter to know the safety of an intact Godly family. I want to make sure people know I know God and therefore have the many answers that they are seeking. I want to fix the ills of the machine we now call the church, I want to .....let's face it - I want to be God. I admit it - I do. Satan did, and that's the thing he enticed Eve with. And that seems to be the human condition now - at least it's my condition.

You won't die - you'll be like God, knowing both good and evil, he said. Sounded like a fine proposition to her. A pretty good sales pitch on the serpent's part. Who doesn't want to be like God??? Sign me up. And that's where it all started. She didn't know she was signing up to desire to be in control, to never be at rest, to know good and evil in a way she never imagined, to the point of seeing one of her children murder the other, to know what it is to hide from God, to know the agony of what it is to be one's own authority instead of submitting to a Sovreign who really knew you didn't need to know it all, and that was a burden he did not wish for you to bear.

This church change thing has opened a Pandora's box for me on how much control has ruled my life. Yes, the fruit of the Spirit is self-control, but I've been so busy controlling the world, that I don't have time to control self. The fruit of Teresa is attempt at others-control. It is hard to rest. It is hard not to be the teacher, it is hard not to "do, do, do for the kingdom". It's hard to let go of the "program" mentality of the church. It is part of my Christian DNA. I really didn't think it was, but I'm finding out it is embedded in me like a computer chip. It is hard to let people hear God for themselves. It is hard to let them be on their place on their journey, instead of coming to my place on the journey. It is hard for me to be still. I feel guilty. I felt guilty when I had 9 people from six different countries at my home and I didn't hold a tent revival and lead them all to the Lord, sending them back to their respective homes to set the world on fire for Christ because of my bold witness to them. I feel guilty when I make a decision that doesn't go like I thought it should. I feel guilty if I just sit and be still. I feel guilty if I let go of control. And I guess I feel a little scared too.

And that's part of the reason I'm questioning everything I've known about me in relation to the church. The church as an organization has controlled its people so long, we don't know how to rest. I'm sorry if that offends some of you, but let's get real. See I can finally speak my mind. I don't have to wear the mask of the teacher and the Bible college student that has the holy and right and sensible answers all the time. I'm taking off for the summer and I am literally dropping everything at the feet of Jesus. I'm gonna watch the garden grow, listen to the myriad of bird songs, watch the curious cows watching me, draw chalk pictures on the deck with my granddaughter, go to Florida with Sarah Beth and Olivia and Perry and forget everything. I'm going to celebrate my 10th anniversary to my wonderful hubby. I'm gonna laugh at all Shaelin's little self-coined phrases. I'm going to drive my little Beetle Bug with the top down and smile up at the sunshine, and maybe not even wear sunscreen or a hat! But to do all those things, I have to let go of the guilt of "being" instead of "doing". I think the only phrase I remember from the book "The Purpose Driven Life" is the one where he said "the glory of God is a human being - fully alive".

We as the body of Christ have not been fully alive. We have been fully controlled. We have been fully programmed. We have been fully burdened with expectations and comparisons and guilt and .... the list goes on. How many of you have ever felt guilty for missing church to just have a family day, for not being there every time the doors were opened, for not giving enough to the building fund, for questioning why you didn't want to show up for visitation and door-knocking, for not finding a local congregation to worship with during your vacation, for forgetting to study your Sunday School lesson, for not memorizing enough Bible verses, for not having your "quiet time" for a minimum of 15 minutes a day, for not verbally witnessing to every stranger your path crosses, for not having your pocket-sized Bible with you at all times, for questioning where your tithe money is going when you wipe your hands with fancy embossed cloths and a plasma TV at every corner of the campus instead of giving it straight to somebody who is in dire need of it, for wearing jeans to church, for letting a cuss word slip out of your mouth when you slammed the door on your toe...and for questioning God when you don't understand Him?? If you have spent any time in church or grown up in church, you know what I'm talking about. You may even be mad at me for even saying these things and think I am blaspheming and it is an abomination.

Before you burn me at the stake, listen to my "theory". It's where I'm sorta going with this thing- but this part of my journey is just starting so the disclaimer is this - I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! But just suppose -

just suppose that instead of the guilt of memorizing scripture by rote that you fell into such a deep relationship with its author that when you sat down to read his words to you, something gripped you and held you and that section of it took a root in your head and your heart and your spirit, and changed your life that day to where you shared it with people as a result of the living and active and alive thing that it really is...based on the starting point of relationship, not the ritual of scripture memorization. It literally jumped off the page at you because it was alive. I do know that every verse that I hold deeply in my heart has been one that has jumped right off the page and into my very being as I sat and struggled and cried and prayed to my Father and he showed me that day what I needed to see, that one little piece, and it became my own and I never forgot it. What if that's his idea of scripture memorization? Memorizing Him and letting it flow from there?

What if his idea of "evangelism" is not getting a list, knocking on doors, cold calling, taking classes on how to witness, reading books on the subject, marking up your Bible with the Roman Road, flitting in and out of people's lives to "save them", baptize them, chink a notch in your spiritual belt, and go to the next one. What if his only idea for evangelism was relationship? Lifestyle? Getting involved in people's lives and actually truly deeply genuinely loving them?

What if instead of huge businesses that produce "literature" and "curriculum" to dole out to the masses and the classes, what if what God had in mind was the Holy Spirit being your teacher? What if it really was okay to have a class that didn't finish the whole curriculum in time because somebody was suffering and they needed to be ministered to that day, prayed over, loved on? Or if God just wanted to use one phrase, one story, or one scripture verse and dwell on it, delve into it deeper and find treasure way down deep in it and get off the timeline? And what if that prayer for them took longer than you thought and you couldn't get out of your class in time to leave for the football game on TV?

What if when we were singing one day at church, we sensed the presence of God so strongly that we couldn't stop singing and couldn't stop worshipping him, and it was actually okay that we kept going and didn't follow the bulletin?

What if we quit looking at ourselves as the answer to the world? Like we have arrived and you, too, can arrive. What if we quit trying to "sell" Jesus. What if we looked at ourselves exactly the same as everybody else in the world, with the only difference being that you have experienced redemption, and they just haven't...yet? What if we admitted we don't have the answers, but we know somebody that does, and then shut up?

What if I quit praying manipulatively? If I pray hard enough, bold enough, long enough, specifically enough, pray enough scripture, do enough spiritual warfare, then I I I I can change things, or manipulate God into doing the things I am praying for? What if I just spend time thanking him for what I know of his character, what I know of his promises, what I know of his Sovreignty, what I know of his will for his children, and what I don't know of any of the above, and let Him be God for a while?

I don't know. I'm only asking. But when I look over my questions, it becomes blaringly obvious, to me at least, that everything we have known is not relationship. It is methods, rules, expectations, and bondage. I think we might be so far removed that we resemble nothing of what God had in mind for the world as a whole. What if the thing Jesus hated the most - Phariseeism - is the very thing that church actually has embraced? And it was so subtle and so well masqueraded that even the thought of that makes you bristle with anger at me for even mentioning it?

There is a generation of people the age of my children, including some of my children, who hate "church". Who question God. Who think it is a joke. And maybe, just maybe, it's time for us to agree with them, and apologize to them, and wipe the slate clean, and find out what it really is to be a Christ-follower.

The only thing I know for sure right now is that I have no clue! But my spirit knows something's wrong, and that's why I'm looking for answers. No, I'm not forsaking Christ, I'm not quitting church, I'm not hating on Christians. I'm just looking. And for now, I want to look straight at Jesus. I want to look at his character and God's character. And who he was. And what the words in red said because they were words from his beautiful mouth. Not what the latest twitter is, not what the latest hot selling book is, not whether traditional or contemporary is the answer, just Him. I have to clean the slate. There is so much noise, so many buzzwords, and it's all gotten so complicated. Something in my spirit is telling me it is related to control, and that it was never meant to be like this. And that is why I am searching. I am searching for freedom. And I believe I will find it. I may recount some of the things I said, I don't know. All I know is I am a seeker, and God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. And that for now, I just want to rest. God reminded me He's big enough, but he asked me "are you small enough"?